Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them
2 Samuel 12:23
But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”
These words do not help in comforting me. I do not ask God, “Why me?”. I am not that selfish. I pray God,” Do not let this happen to anyone” knowing that this prayer will be unanswered. Because God has his own plans for everyone’s good. Two times, but then I browse and find stories of women going through this 3, 4, 5 times and still awaiting the blessing. I was always ready for Genesis 3:16, I have even went through it once and got a lovely daughter. For sure, this pain is far higher than that. I forgot about that pain once my sweet little 2.6 kilogram weighing angle was placed in my lap. I definitely thought, did I go through so much of pain for this tiny one to come out. But at least she came out, she is there alive, lively in front of me everyday. Unlike my other two babies who did not even want to show their face to me before going back to heavenly father. “Could not they wait for some more time?”, I think hundred times a day.
The first happening was horrible, provided it was my first experience. 3 weeks after missed period, 2 weeks after a positive home pregnancy test, I see that stain. I run to restroom every one hour until my evening appointment with gynecologist. Those horrible moments of USG, if only that stain was not there, would have been the sweetest moments of my life, when the radiologist would confirm there is one more heart beating in my body. But, it was not in God’s plan. “There is no heartbeat”, she says moving the instrument on my stomach. I remember only and only crying that night, my daughter asking me, “Mamma, why do you cry, what happened”? How do I tell her, you little sister or brother is no more. And then comes the ordeal of D & E, everything gets over in an hour while I lay sedated on the bed. I only wake up with this strange feeling that I had experienced years back, a sudden feeling of emptiness. All the contents of my uterus cleaned up. Years back, it was different, it was awesome, but now, it is grievous.
Six months later, Was I prepared for the second happening? “Absolutely no”. No one in this world prepares for this. But it happened again. “one more USG followed by D & E”, I tell to myself. Wish it was that simple. And now, I am lying on bed asking God, “God, do you want me to try again?”. “Can I ever think like David did?”.