Psalm 139:16

Psalm 139:16

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them

2 Samuel 12:23

But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

These words do not help in comforting me. I do not ask God, “Why me?”. I am not that selfish. I pray God,” Do not let this happen to anyone” knowing that this prayer will be unanswered. Because God has his own plans for everyone’s good. Two times, but then I browse and find stories of women going through this 3, 4, 5 times and still awaiting the blessing. I was always ready for Genesis 3:16, I have even went through it once and got a lovely daughter. For sure, this pain is far higher than that. I forgot about that pain once my sweet little 2.6 kilogram weighing angle was placed in my lap. I definitely thought, did I go through so much of pain for this tiny one to come out. But at least she came out, she is there alive, lively in front of me everyday. Unlike my other two babies who did not even want to show their face to me before going back to heavenly father. “Could not they wait for some more time?”, I think hundred times a day.

The first happening was horrible, provided it was my first experience. 3 weeks after missed period, 2 weeks after a positive home pregnancy test, I see that stain. I run to restroom every one hour until my evening appointment with gynecologist. Those horrible moments of USG, if only that stain was not there, would have been the sweetest moments of my life, when the radiologist would confirm there is one more heart beating in my body. But, it was not in God’s plan. “There is no heartbeat”, she says moving the instrument on my stomach. I remember only and only crying that night, my daughter asking me, “Mamma, why do you cry, what happened”? How do I tell her, you little sister or brother is no more. And then comes the ordeal of D & E, everything gets over in an hour while I lay sedated on the bed. I only wake up with this strange feeling that I had experienced years back, a sudden feeling of emptiness. All the contents of my uterus cleaned up. Years back, it was different, it was awesome, but now, it is grievous.

Six months later, Was I prepared for the second happening? “Absolutely no”. No one in this world prepares for this. But it happened again. “one more USG followed by D & E”, I tell to myself. Wish it was that simple. And now, I am lying on bed asking God, “God, do you want me to try again?”. “Can I ever think like David did?”.

 

It’s a baby girl!

I could relate this to my own experience….felt very emotional once again….

The Espresso Addict

She was 27, and at home.

She stood in front of the mirror, naked. She looked at her breasts. This was the biggest they had ever been. But she knew that they were going to get bigger. She stared at herself for a long while before she ran her right hand across the entire area of her belly, from just above her abdomen, all the way down to its lower end. It looked bloated and the bump had begun to show through her clothes now. She was five months pregnant, and had just received her scans from her gynecologist. She had dreaded this moment would come right from when she turned into a teenager. And 15 years later, she still wasn’t prepared for it.

“You are going to have a healthy and beautiful baby girl. You just have to keep eating healthy, and get good sleep and sufficient exercise, just like…

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First touch memoirs

First, I’ll say that my memory is lacking severely. Of course, it does not perform bad in all areas. I have always been very good at studies and work. However, I remember very few events from my childhood. I could possibly count them on my two hands. Of those events, I don’t really remember anything in vivid detail. Everything is a blur for me. I’ve had relatives mention things to me, “oh, you remember so and so?” and I have absolutely no recollection of it, despite it being something that should have stuck in my mind. And I’m talking like.. in my teens. I’m 32. I remember nothing from when I was less than 10 years old. So, if I can recall anything about my childhood and teens, it would have had a very strong impact on my head. Utterly insignificant to my life, yet, settled in my memory are few such happenings which have for reasons inconceivable registered in my subconscious mind.

Again, blame my memory, I cannot recall about when exactly this happened, but, definitely before my puberty. I had been to my native village for summer holidays.   The entire family was there, some of them whom I meet once in two or three years. One of my cousins, he is twenty years elder to me, he took care of me and loved me so well, took me to a deserted storeroom, lifted my skirt and unzipped my panties, lay me down on the floor, and sucked me. I cannot say it went on for long time, because, I pushed him hard, wore my panties and ran outside. I did not talk about this to anyone till now, not even to my mother, not even to my husband. Why did I not talk to my mother? I rarely kept any secrets from her; I did not talk, because, I did not know what to and how to. I only knew that what happened was wrong, because I felt very uncomfortable. Might be, that’s why, I stowed away that incident into some corner, seldom visited part of my brain. I meet that cousin, seldom, but both of us behave as if nothing happened. I rarely talk or smile at him. However, I experienced some unexplainable happiness in my heart, when, once during some conversation, my mother mentioned that he does not have any children, and the issue is from his end, some fertility problems.

My age again I cannot recall, I suppose I was in my primary school, I have to mention here that my school was 6 kilometers away and I used to take a shortcut which reduced the distance to some 4 kilometers. The shortcut was a little deserted that day, when a guy stopped me, presenting his rod to me, I ran away, within seconds. I really wonder till date, why does running away come as first action to brain? Why could  I not do something else? Now, when I sit back relaxed, I can think of at least ten crazy ideas of what I could have done to that guy that day, making him incapable of presenting himself any other time to any other girl. Regrets, all I could do then was run away, and spend some sleepless nights trying to erase that organ, which I had seen for first time, from my mind until years later, when it was shown again by my husband.

The second touch comes when I was fourteen, few months passed after me entering puberty, my breasts showing clearly. I was riding to tuition class on a bicycle, when a guy passed by enough close to me, squeezed my breast and rode away as fast as he could. Filthy bastard. I stopped short on the middle of the street, when my mind finally comprehended and registered the incident in my mind, when few drops of water left my eyes. Going to tuition after that day became a torturing affair. Few months after that, when I was going to tuition, as usual, carefully observing my surroundings, two guys passed by me, clearly calling me, telling me something, my ears did not pay heed, might be because my mind did not let them, all my mind told was to ride faster and get away from those guys. Only when I reached my class, did I realize, what happened, my pen had slipped and fell down from my bag on the road. My conscious came back to me, from that day, I continued to be careful, but not suspicious about everything.

What has all these incidents got to do now, with my life, nothing. Except that, I feared sex, for a long time, it took my husband around a week after our marriage to erase all my fears and get me to participate in sex joyfully. Except that, my daughter is only eight year old, and I fear for her everyday when she goes out to play with her friends.

Am I in minority group?

Image

“Is Kareena Kapoor married?” my daughter asked me some days back watching her favorite “Chamak chalo” song on TV. “Yes”, I replied. “Did she marry a Muslim?” was her next question. Her question stunned me, obviously the next question I expected from her was the guy’s name or what the guy does? I did not expect her to question about his identity , that too, religious identity. I was particularly stunned since we do not discuss religion much at home. Neither my husband nor me are very fond religious followers nor did we instill weighty religious beliefs into her.

Kids pick up a lot from surroundings though.

Back to my daughter’s question, I asked her back, “Is it wrong if she married a Muslim?”. My daughter was thoughtful for a while. “You know, they are different”, she said.

“They are also normal people like us and they are no way different”, I said. “My friend says some Muslim killed someone”, she said.

I am putting my brain to work now.

“There are good and bad people everywhere”, I said to her. “There are bad people in all religions, so you should dislike people if they are bad and not if they are of some religion”, I said to her.

“But, they do not pray Ganesha, my friend says they even destroyed our temples”, she asked. “So, if Hindus destroyed Masjid, are they bad?”, I ask her.

“Did they do?”, she asked back. I was not very comfortable continuing this conversation.

“That’s not important for you to know”, I told her. “Remember always, only stay away from someone if you know they are bad, otherwise don’t”, I say to her and ended the conversation.

But the conversation does not stop there, I know. She is only eight year old now, there is a long way to go and more questions coming up.

And I am sure not all the parents are giving similar answers to their kids. Some are instilling strong religious beliefs and hatred into their kids.

And my daughter also has to live among them in the same surroundings. I have slowly started feeling that, people of my kind are reducing, am I in Minority already?

From daughter to working mother

In my teens, I always craved for attention from my Mother. I disliked the fact that my Mother spends less time with me, prepares few varieties of snacks and tasty dishes compared to that of my friends. And all this I knew was for the reason that she was working full-time. My mother worked as a teacher in a balawadi school(a pre-school run by Indian government ) and she was a very dedicated worker. This is one lesson I learned, more so I inherited from her, dedication to your work and commitment to your job. She valued the salary she earned and provided her 100 percent in return. In my teens, I had a feeling that her job is mundane and such a dedication from her towards it was useless. Moreover, I felt that it is because of her work that she was doing a little less compared to other mothers. The fact is that while my Dad’s earnings were good enough to make ends meet, it was my mom’s extra earning that helped me get the best education and the luxurious job and pay I am relishing now. But what to do, back then I was a kid. I had even made up my mind that I would rather take good care of my kids than go to work. I recall that thought now I feel “Silly Me!!!!”. I was a very bright student, a fast learner and above all competitive. It was my learning ability and my competitive nature that lead me to success and not the zeal for being a successful independent woman.

Six months into job I realized the fun in working, the importance of a working woman, the fire to have an independent vision for your life, the taste of being a self-established passionate female. Now, I am a wife, a successful woman at work having an unending desire to make more out myself, and above all mother of a daughter. Whenever, I see my daughter and pay heed to her demands I see myself. It is as though I am faced with my reflection. Now, when after long working hours at work, an uneventful day with my boss and never-ending traffic jams, I am confronted with my daughter her demands for my time, I feel frustrated, of course for a very short while. After all I am not starting afresh, I am building on my mother’s experience. One thing I am better at than my mother and wish my mother would have done so is in my communication with my daughter. I never treat my angel as an ignorant toddler. I clearly explain to her the importance of why it is important for even mamma’s to work and have their own identity. I present to her various legendary women we had and have in our society. After all, it is mutually beneficial, my daughter understands my passion towards work and will also grow herself into an independent woman. By the way, unlike me, she already has decided what to do when she grows up, she says she will become a cartoonist and movie-maker. And me, I never stop thanking my Mom in making me what I am today, especially after I kiss my daughter good night.

DATA…..DATA…..DATA EVERYWHERE…..IS IT WORTH SPENDING?

Back when I was doing my engineering, it was all about mails, being in touch without the need of a postman. Things have changed, my 8-eight year old knows to chat, to post her pics and to keep in touch with kids after school hours. Sometimes, I wonder is it needed? Has time come to draw a line between necessity and luxury.

 

What is necessity? Might be banking, stock markets, medical records. After all, It is good to not stand in long queues for long hours in a bank to withdraw money. It is wonderful to not loose that hard earned money and stocks only because of a time lapse in system and database updates. It is excellent to have track of medical records, next time when I visit doctor and doctor questions on hereditary and genetic problems  of my parents and grand parents, I need not have a question mark on my face.

Any innovation is worthy enough to handle this data.

 

But is the same innovation worthy enough spent simply to store loads of pictures taken for time pass, for millions of tweets about brands, thousands of Facebook “likes,” and so on. At least these is no need of real-time response, cannot people live without these so much so that billions of dollars are spent on this, either for hosting the clouds or for managing them and improvising them.

About

Reading…

Reading…

Reading… is what i have done till now…I read a lot of fiction. Being native Indian i can credit my English language skills to my reading habits. It first developed as a hobby …my first book being Sidney Sheldon‘s “Tell me your dreams“. And there was no looking back. For more than 10 years i have read lot of fiction novels, heightened my passion to a bit of non-fiction and literature. But reading fiction is what triggers my wild imagination and the writer within me. For every book i read, i remember myself imagining, framing new schemes, plots and storylines. However, this blog is my first attempt towards putting my imagination and thoughts into writing. Hope for success!!!!

BOOKS I READ

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

The Best Laid Plans

Bloodline (Sheldon novel)

The Doomsday Conspiracy

If Tomorrow Comes

Memories of Midnight

Morning, Noon and Night (novel)

The Naked Face

Nothing Lasts Forever (1994 novel)

The Other Side of Midnight

Rage of Angels

The Sands of Time (Sheldon novel)

The Stars Shine Down

Tell Me Your Dreams

Windmills of the God

Coma

Brain

Fever

Pride and Prejudice

Emma

The prodigal daughter

Paths of Glory

Digital Fortress

Angels & Demons

Deception Point

The Da Vinci Code

The Lost Symbol

The Immortals of Meluha

The Secret of the Nagas

The Edge of Desire

The Kite Runner

Twilight: New Moon

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

The Girl Who Played with Fire

The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets’ Nest

Connect the Dots

Five Point Someone

2 States: The Story of My Marriage

Angel

awaiting December 21 2012

Lot of news, articles, announcements with scriptural and Scientific proofs flying around about the day. well, i am not sure about anyone else, but i am going to live on and after the day December 21 2012. Not to ridicule, my daughter’s birthday is on that day, so, i am planning on full swing to party around on 21st and continue partying till 25th celebrating birth of Christ. Christ has promised me a lot, there are many that have to be fulfilled,  i have a lot to fulfill in God, so, i am sure to live for some more time 🙂

Father commits rape against daughter

Bible says that “everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart”. Such was the judgment of son of god during our ancient times. What would God say about this? Every other day, we read news articles on father/relatives committing assault on their own sisters and daughters. Where is the world heading to? These kind of deeds of people in today’s world compel me to believe that end of world is nearing.

I am a mother of an eight-year old daughter, because of the secure environment in which I was grown up and the environment in which I am bringing up my daughter, sometimes all these news look like are coming from some far away planet. Even today, many times my husband bathes my daughter. And I was so close to my Dad that I slept with him even during my teens sharing stories and lots of talks with him. Father is begetter, supporter and nurturer, so much important so that we even call God our Father. How can a Father who has seen the little one taking birth, grow up in front of him, taking his support in standing up, watching for his help in the first steps even commit such heinous crime towards his own girl.  Does the urge to gratify sexual impulse overpower all other principles of humanity?